Lucky's sermon to Caffeine

 So here I am, Enjoying a can of Monster Import and staring at the taunting blank page of the devil itself(blogger) it mocks me and urges me to overshare about a topic nobody cares about...

Ok elaborate intro's done, onto the topic. Energy drinks! Kidney stone juice, shit yourself potion, whatever you call it these heavily caffeinated cans of energy are a standard.

I consider myself a bit of an energy drink sommelier, there's no caffeinated beverage I haven't at least tried. My blood is a controlled substance in 37 states. the amounts of caffeine, taurine, vitamin b12, artificial sweeteners and citric acids I've consumed let my blood be used as car engine fuel and battery acid in the right amounts. As such I have a mental tier list of energy drinks. Maybe I'll write up the tier list proper one day but for now I just wanna go over some of my personal favorites.

Starting off with A cult classic, hailed as gods gift to the world and for good reason...

WHITE MONSTER 
(That was my nickname in high school)


What can I possibly say about Monster Zero Ultra that hasn't been said? It's a damn near perfect energy drink. no syrupy stickiness, tastes like sex with an angel, and the energy blend gives you a real horrorshow jumpstart that drives you bazoomny. It's the gold standard of energy drinks. 

But ready your pitchforks, torches, and cutthroat britva's He's, she's, they's, and gays because... It's not my favorite.

I Know! Blashpemy! It's almost unfairly good but it's pretty one note. It's a very GOOD single note but I crave complexity which is an itch white monster just doesn't scratch for me. That or I've drank so much of it that I'm just numb to the flavors, which is possible. but let's take a look at some of the other energy drinks that I worship in place of the capitalistic god we all bleed for, starting with my personal favorite of the ultra series.


ULTRA BLACK

Now there's a rainbow of ultra flavors. all of which are at the very least decent. but if all of them had to go, and I could only choose ONE to keep. I'd easily reach for Ultra Black. Now I'm kinda biased because black was my first energy drink ever, I was a wee lad freshly into my teens when my moms boyfriend gave me one of these. the feeling I got was like I had ascended to a different plane. I felt like I was filled with pure lightning and we promptly went out for a midnight hike then the crash came and everythings a blur... I've been chasing that high ever since.

Anyway. Ultra Black tastes like if you liquified a bag of sour patch kids and warheads in seltzer water then told god himself to add his holy essence. And I am not alone in that statement, Ultra black has a bit of a cult following and for good reason. but unfortunately they don't sell it ANYWHERE. last time I had it I had to get it specially ordered from the evil site of Jeffery Bezos for the cost of my soul and 28.68 plus shipping and handling. but it was worth it. Monster white, you are merely my side piece compared to black.

"But what about the sugary monsters?" I hear none of you asking. Well brace thineself ye dumb bitch! For I have an answer to that! The apex of the saccharine monsters is...


MONSTER IMPORT

The very one I drink right now dearest reader! The original monster is classic, truly but the import is the classic but better! the flavor is smoother, more pure, less resemblance to toxic sludge with all the same energy kick that sharpens you up for a bit of dirty twenty-to-one. And the resealable can? In all seriousness it's awesome. One of my biggest gripes with canned beverages is that you have to drink the whole thing once it's opened. not so with this, you just twist the cap thing and you're sealed and can put it back and in the fridge for later. that should be standard in all cans! Import is king.

but again. monster is NOT my favorite energy drink. Of my longtime readers of which I assume there's exactly two of you(One of which is probably me) You may know of my true love, my true messiah of taurine. and that is...



JOLT COLA

I am a cola enjoyer. Coke is my favorite drink even after they removed the cocaine. and for years I wanted a cola flavored energy drink. I had my first experience with jolt back in 2016 during a brief comeback and I was totally hooked. then they got rid of it and I entered a deep depression that totally wasn't caused by my angsty teen years. but now in the year of our corpo-rat overlords 2025 it is back! Now sugar free but retaining an authentic cola taste with all the energy you can ask for. I make it a police to have at least a case of this stuff in my home at all times and I use it for pre workout, game fuel, writing fuel, car fuel, bodywash. the works! Jolt is irreplaceable and if it goes? so do I.

Anyway, I feel the caffeine wearing off so for now, this is Lucifer "Lucky" Bellamy crashing out.




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