Jolt is back!

 
Being a chronically sleep deprived internet gremlin who refuses the siren song of slumberation to maintain some vestige of control over his life. I have become something of an energy drink connoisseur.

Of all the energy drinks I've had, there's ONE that has eluded me for years and that is jolt.



 My favorite drink is cola, always has been. I've always craved the carbonated poop water that lies within a can of coke or pepsi or RC or Shasta cola or Sam's club Cola or whatever else. If it's dark, carbonated, tastes like coke, I like it.

Besides that? I am a massive caffeine addict. there's no caffeinated beverage I haven't at least tried. Monster being my beloved companion throughout life. Ultra ruby red and ultra white being the nectar of the gods. I mean I've drank so much of it that my blood can probably fuel a car but I can't get enough of it.

But, back in 2017 is when I first encountered jolt. 



I was not familiar with jolt from it's 80's legendary status, I was just at a dollar store one day and I saw it, I thought it looked neat and I bought it. after all this is when a dollar store actually sold stuff for only a dollar. I brought it home, put it on ice, drank it. and the amount of euphoria I felt is to this day incomprehensible.

It was a mixture of my two great loves, sweet, sugary, blood thickening Cola and Heart rushing caffeine. I was bouncing off the walls, Drinking it more than water, and i was happier than I ever had been. But when I needed it most... twas gone.



Yeah that reboot of jolt was short lived and was pulled from shelves after a mere year. and I was left without anything to scratch that same itch. I searched for a while to find any other energy cola but for some fucking reason that is apparently a VERY rare combo. 

The only thing I could find was monster assault:



Monster assault, along with having arguably the coolest monster energy can, also has a "Bourbon cola" flavor, whatever that is. so, desperate for a jolt fix I picked up a case, it arrived and... it was certainly A flavor, I guess if you pulled my arm I'd say it tastes like VERY gone off generic diet cola. I honestly didn't mind it despite most other monster fans saying that assault is one of the WORST Flavors. but regardless Assault didn't scratch my jolt itch because it was FAR from tasting like it.

Many a year passed since then, 2022-2025. I had moved house, quit my job. and started lifting again. While looking up some energy drinks I got to thinking of jolt, and in my hyperfixation over the energy drink I longingly looked at photos of it in google images... when I saw something that stopped me dead in my tracks...



This image, of this totally radical dudebro holding a can, but what caught my eye was what the can said... "Taste the legend" it was different. I dug deeper, and then I got the news sent from god themselves. A Florida based energy drink company. Called Redcon 1... had revived the holy nectar of the gods.

In that moment I felt as if I had been given a kiss from all of heavens holy angels and saints, and I bought two cases of it on the spot. seeing the can again was all but tearjerking. like the first time I Drank it, I stuck a can in the freezer, drank it, and it tasted just how i Remembered. it was cola with All the caffeine my heart desired. sure it didn't have the sugar, but these cans are also only ten calories so who was I to complain.

At last I feel as if life is worth living again and that there is hope and good in the world. The only thing left on my itinerary is to crack open an ice cold can after I take the roof off of my car and go speeding down the parkway drinking it while blasting kickstart my heart.

Jolt

Is 

Back









 

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